Well, I will be making the trek up the federal and hume this week.

The function should be the highlight. Nick Stevens will be the guest speaker. I will test his neck out for everyone by doing my world famous ninja karate chop to the back of his head. This move is known to have killed up to 1000 people in multiple asian countries; it is sh*t hot.

Liberatore will be there too; I will pat him on the head a few times because he soooo small and has fuzzy hair.

After that I will wander across to the SCG and have a few beers before we receive our royal greek style rodgering by the swans. This is my highlight of the year.....the swans game is always a stella game even in our premiership years. I don't know why we even bother turning up.

My only hope for this game to see Fev give the umpires a mouthful after he takes one of his 10 dives per game playing for a push in the back. This guy has forgotten completely that he can take contested marks and kick the ball long distances. My theory is that dumb old Brendan thought that this rule would be 'ace' for FF and all he had to was pretend that he was shot everytime and he would kick 100 goals by round 10.

Now a word of advice to the 1st year players that are playing the SCG for the first time. Probably the best advice to play the SCG is to kick more goals than the swans. I guarantee that if you scor more points than the swans on the SCG, you will win at least 66% of games. These are good odds and 66% is familiar to all carlton players because this has been close to our percentage for the last 3 years.

On the way home, I will kick a few kids dressed up in swans outfits. Many of these kids probably haven't seen the swans lose a few games, and in previous years, i either snapped their flags in half and popped their balloons, but after the initial tears they appear happy again. Perhaps violence will wipe the smiles off their face at least until they get to the car.

[note. Chelodina does not endorse violence of children unless they really really really deserve it. Usually telling them that they were adopted or santa clause is really a muslim extremist that places bombs in their toys that are timed to blow up when they turn 10, does the trick]

after scarring a few children for life, I will still the wiper blades from all cars that have a swans bumper sticker. If things go to plan, i will be standing in the outer at sub-10C temperatures with more than an inch of rain falling in those 3 hours. Removing the rubber of the wiper blades will not only make it difficult to drive home in the rain, it should also scratch the glass.

After that, I really could not care less what happens; it will involve beers though. So you can see that this is a fun time of year and it brings the best out of me. People are welcome to join me because terrorizing people in a gang is sure to get us arrested. This would allow us to miss the replay on Foxtel later that night.

Yay for us

things are looking up....

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Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

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29 different attributes,
And only 7 that you like;
20 ways to see the world,
Or 20 ways to start a fight.

I will be happy with a competitive half of football...ie 2 consecutive quarters of football.

At least they don't play that song 'Show it to em Sydney, Show em your the swans...show em huh, show em huh' after every swans goal. By the time you leave and you have heard it 20 times you can't help but hum or sing it.

Oh god, I am doing it right now.

help me

The worst thing is that they play that other ridiculous song (the one with the banjos in the middle-eight ) dozens of times while you're being jeered on the way out ...

PS - sportsbet.com.au has us at $5.30 to win with 31.5 points start ..

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[Sam Jacobs] looks like a 7' Lance Whitnall, and [Mitch Robinson] looks like a 4' Lance Whitnall
(The SEN team during the Carlton v Cats 2009 pre-season match)