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Dwayne Russell (born March 4, 1965) is a former Australian rules footballer and currently a biased and at best passable commentator of the sport.
Russell was a prick who played for the Port Adelaide Football Club in the SANFL, before crossing over to VFL club Geelong in 1987. He played 50 games for 51 goals until he was cut from the side in 1991. Following his retirement he was meant to be the captain-coach of Colac-Coragulac for 1992. However, he appeared at only two training sessions, despite pocketing the $30,000 dollars and the unlimited use of a local male hooker the club had given him to undertake the role.
Following his retirement from all forms of football, Russell became a journalist, commentator and all around arsehole. After writing for The Age newspaper and commentating games on the Nine Network's AFL coverage, his main occupations are as co-host of 3AW's top-rating drive-time sports show, "Sports Today" with Gerard Healy, as well as rent boy for numerous gay celebrities around Australia.
Russell is also a devout Christian, and has recorded a "Jesus-Jazz" album testifying his love of Jesus, Australian Rules Football, and a nice sauna, shared with another man. (a message only heard when the album is played backwards.) Russell's love of our lord and saviour, Jesus H. Christ, has landed him in hot water previously, with police investigating claims that Russell viciously assaulted 2nd graders at a local primary school with a salada, after being less than entertained by their performance of "Joseph & The Technicolour Dream Coat". All formal charges were later dismissed, after police actually realised that they had not arrested Drew Morphett. Police quickly amended their wrong-doing, allowing Russell to walk away a free man, considering his current life of obscurity, unintelligence and mediocrity to be a more than appropriate punishment.
Russell claims to have not only invented the Jesus-Jazz genre, but also the Jesus-Ab-Trimmer, which appears to just be a DVD copy of the 1995 family hit "Dustin Checks In" with exerpts of Paul's letter to the Corinithians glued on, alongside an elastic band pulley system. Russell has long been a staunch defender of what has been claimed to be a "shonky" product. He also defends himself against claims that the only reason his product is in stores due to heavy threats of extortion toward business owners, threatening them with candid, nude photos of Caroline Wilson.
Russell was in fact rumoured to have been secretly dating Val Kilmer, which sparked rumours flying in Hollywood, that Dwayne would star alongside Val in the superhero flick, "Batman Forever", seeing as producer, Joel Schumacher found Dwayne to be more feminine than Nicole Kidman. Plans were abruptly scrapped after Russell demanded that a clause be instated into his contract that the entire soundtrack be from his Jesus-Jazz album, in the ilk of Prince's work on the Batman album.
It is also unsubstantiated that Dwayne founded Scientology, whilst trying to reveal his secret feelings for Alberton Oval. No word has ever been found on this topic.
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