Dear Rhino

As an important member of our Carlton family, I would like to personally extend my sincere thanks for your ongoing support of the football club. Why am I important, if I've received the same email as every other member? Also, your personal sincere thanks seems to carry the same turn of phrase you'd expect from Jay A....Stephen Kernahan.

I am humbled and grateful that the Board has elected me to lead Carlton as its next president, as we continue in our 150th year. Wouldn't you prefer to be elected by the rank and file of the club?

As a lifelong supporter of the Blues, I have experienced the joy of our football club’s magnificent highs and shared the pain of its heartbreaking lows. Marc Murphy's high flying marks, yes. Don't think we ever recruited Stewie Loewe.

My goal is to help deliver the next chapter of sustained success in Carlton’s history to give us all renewed reason to be passionate and proud. This includes securing more home games at the MCG, further reducing the club’s debt, and ensuring we have the necessary resources in place to rise again. Whilst I agree with the general premise of this - I'd love to hear more about it. Sell us on the correlation of "games at the G = flags". I'd love to hear that we have an equal share of good debt and bad debt, and haven't just been financially incompetent the last decade. If we have been, come out and say it.

I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to Stephen Kernahan. He is a legend of our club who has offered tremendous leadership and guidance. “Sticks” is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, and has kept our football club focused through some very challenging times.

On behalf of the Board I would like to offer a heartfelt thanks to Stephen for all his support over the journey. Aside from the over-use of the adjective "heartfelt", I don't think you actually get to determine whether your own sentiments are heartfelt or not. Like my extremely hilarious joke about Stewart Loewe above.

Also recently departed from Carlton is our CEO Greg Swann. Greg has done a terrific job turning around Carlton’s off-field fortunes. He departs with our gratitude and best wishes. This just seems snipy and unprofessional. Either not mention him at all, or go into great detail of just whose cornflakes were shit in?

A Board sub-committee has already begun the search for a new Chief Executive Officer and we have enlisted the expertise of global recruitment firm Egon Zehnder. We are not setting a timeline for installing someone in the role, as we are committed to finding the right person to lead the management team. If you haven't found the right person after 40 years, chances are this management team won't need to be lead, as they will mostly be dead. 30, if we go to war with Indonesia over Schapelle Corby. Can we please ensure that a time frame of 30 years is instilled. I may be serving time in an Indonesian POW camp in 30 years time, but at least I'll be glad to know that we're half a chance of playing an extra home game at the Jakarta Cricket Ground now that old Shitty McCornflakes is out of the CEO chair.

The interim CEO responsibilities will be shared between our General Manager of Football Operations Andrew McKay and our Chief Financial Officer Jason Reddick. I will ensure you are kept informed of developments in this area. How often will I get these developments? Can I opt in to more detailed updates? Something along the lines of "Terry Wallace interviewed for the CEO role today. Managed to get through the filtering process by calling himself Todd Wallace. Gave another @#$%&! Powerpoint presentation today. Not happening." - if you could text me those as often as I'm asked to buy $200 raffle tickets, I'll be rapt.

I look forward to meeting you at training, games or club functions, as together we continue to celebrate 150 years of Carlton. Buy me a Crownie.

On a serious note (sorry) - I'm going to meet with Mark and a couple of the CFC executive post-season. Anyone who wants to have a serious discussion about the future of the club and to convey their own thoughts as a member prior to the AGM is welcome to join me. The club is yours. Complaining on an internet forum may help your blood pressure, but essentially it is not a medium through which you are heard.

Dear Psych

I am honoured to have taken the position of El Presidente

The past decade has been poor and things must change so we can again dominate and tell everyone else to f....k off.

So without even having a CEO and not having officially taken over I am announcing that Shane Rodgers will be given a guaranteed 3 year deal and massive bonus based on the evidence that he is better than Wayne Hughes. Given that we don't rate the draft process and refuse to bottom out we see this position as insignificant anyway. The recruitment of Gibbs, Murphy, Kruezer, Walker, Watson, Bootsma, Lucas has shown that the draft doesn't work.

Former player and Carlton Legend Andrew (Andy) McKay will be appointed as CEO and List Manager on a 5 year $5m deal. Andrew is a former Captain, Vet and good bloke. His decisiveness in sacking Josh Bootsma after giving him a new 2 year deal shows he is the right person for the job and saves us the hassle of a costly interview process.

I am also pleased to announce that we will be signing Mick Malthouse to a new 10 year deal. Mick is a great coach and like me believes we can challenge for a Premiership in 2015. As such we will be pursuing all Free Agents over the next few months and throwing endless money at them.

New appointments in Geoffrey Eddleston (Corporate Governance), Josh Bootsma (Player Welfare), Laurence Angwin (Medical Research), Jon Dorotich (Massage), Wayne Johnston (Finance), Brendan Fevola (Leadership) will be announced in the next few days. All good blokes who love Carlton.

As I said things must change and as such we will be making decisions on the run, employing people and implementing structures without due process and buying our way out of trouble. It worked in the 80's and I see know reason why it won't work now.

I salute you all

MLG


Carlton "Join the merry-go- round".

Dear Psych

I am honoured to have taken the position of El Presidente

The past decade has been poor and things must change so we can again dominate and tell everyone else to f....k off.

So without even having a CEO and not having officially taken over I am announcing that Shane Rodgers will be given a guaranteed 3 year deal and massive bonus based on the evidence that he is better than Wayne Hughes. Given that we don't rate the draft process and refuse to bottom out we see this position as insignificant anyway. The recruitment of Gibbs, Murphy, Kruezer, Walker, Watson, Bootsma, Lucas has shown that the draft doesn't work.

Former player and Carlton Legend Andrew (Andy) McKay will be appointed as CEO and List Manager on a 5 year $5m deal. Andrew is a former Captain, Vet and good bloke. His decisiveness in sacking Josh Bootsma after giving him a new 2 year deal shows he is the right person for the job and saves us the hassle of a costly interview process.

I am also pleased to announce that we will be signing Mick Malthouse to a new 10 year deal. Mick is a great coach and like me believes we can challenge for a Premiership in 2015. As such we will be pursuing all Free Agents over the next few months and throwing endless money at them.

New appointments in Geoffrey Eddleston (Corporate Governance), Josh Bootsma (Player Welfare), Laurence Angwin (Medical Research), Jon Dorotich (Massage), Wayne Johnston (Finance), Brendan Fevola (Leadership) will be announced in the next few days. All good blokes who love Carlton.

As I said things must change and as such we will be making decisions on the run, employing people and implementing structures without due process and buying our way out of trouble. It worked in the 80's and I see know reason why it won't work now.

I salute you all

MLG


Carlton "Join the merry-go- round".

Dear CK95,

I'm writing this post to you exclusively as you're the most important post reader of all time. Don't tell the others ok.

Yours etc

htp

On a serious note (sorry) - I'm going to meet with Mark and a couple of the CFC executive post-season. Anyone who wants to have a serious discussion about the future of the club and to convey their own thoughts as a member prior to the AGM is welcome to join me. The club is yours. Complaining on an internet forum may help your blood pressure, but essentially it is not a medium through which you are heard.

does any other competition in the world have a fund for crap clubs?
more of the artificial league we watch

is there anything thats not Truman showesque about this competition?

On a serious note (sorry) - I'm going to meet with Mark and a couple of the CFC executive post-season. Anyone who wants to have a serious discussion about the future of the club and to convey their own thoughts as a member prior to the AGM is welcome to join me. The club is yours. Complaining on an internet forum may help your blood pressure, but essentially it is not a medium through which you are heard.

On a serious note (sorry) - I'm going to meet with Mark and a couple of the CFC executive post-season. Anyone who wants to have a serious discussion about the future of the club and to convey their own thoughts as a member prior to the AGM is welcome to join me. The club is yours. Complaining on an internet forum may help your blood pressure, but essentially it is not a medium through which you are heard.