Dear Carlton Friend,

I just want to wish you all the very best of luck this evening. I know you will all be there tonight given what loyal supporters you are. I know that these games are hard for you to watch because you have to balance the fact that you grew up hating the pies and now, deep down in places you don’t like to acknowledge, you admire and respect the mighty black n Whites. It’s ok. You should know that we also admire the mighty black n whites.

If not for the fact that your team were turgid front runners with selfish players who are more interested in racking up individual awards than playing for club and jumper (and if you still had a jumper – what is that baby blue nonsense), and if they had any ounce of real football ability, we might have a modicum of respect for your team as well.

Instead, we go into the game looking forward to the destruction we will cause your already shaky egos and we fear that if the game unfolds as expected, we may never ever hear from you again.

You told us you were coming, you told us you were cooking, you told us you had no passengers. I for one have looked long and hard for evidence that any of this is true and I will continue to look for evidence of that tonight. Alas, we expect to be disappointed.

So good luck. May you enjoy a rare opportunity to enjoy players like Goldsack, Sinclair, Williams, Elliot, Blair, Maxwell, Toovey and Dawes – players who do whatever it takes to make our team better without worrying about personal awards. May you also enjoy Swan, Beams, Thomas, Sidebottom, Shaw, Cloke, Reid and jolly who are true superstars in every sense of the word. And may you enjoy our colorful supporters who are without doubt the best in football (even Joffa).

Go Pies!