Talking Carlton Index Lochie O'Brien Kerryn Harrington Lochie O'Brien Kerryn Harrington CFC Home CFC Membership CFC Shop CFC Fixture Blueseum
It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:29 pm

All times are UTC + 10 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:58 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
....because it's bloody tedious seeing all those Gotye parody links. Full credit goes to: http://www.thisisafl.com/forums/f6/carl ... ndex2.html

A completely fictitious story about fictitious people working at a fictitious football club... who coincidentally share the names of real people working at a real football club that is based (partially) on real events.

There was a hushed silence in the room, the players stood perfectly still three rows deep, Chris Judd took the center position of the front row. A proud man, standing firm the hunch in his posture had become more noticeable in recent month. while he was never a strong man he had grown tired and weary of heavy lifting. Although he had his frailties, Christopher was looking younger than ever before.

To his left stood Marc Murphy, a young man just beginning to reach his prime with the gate of a Gazelle and a thirst for success, and Bryce Gibbs, a boy whose eyes were often compared to that of a young fauns. They were the future, a path to assured. The shoulders of these three men would stand above all others and carry the club to the fountain of success and a waterfall of glory for many years to come.

They had been standing now for close to an hour, many of the players minds were beginning to wander, although from what it cannot be said as no task had been provided to them no a reason for their congregation. That was often the practice Brett Ratten. Although a champion of the club, his absent mindedness and lack of forethought was a common critique and the players regularly found themselves with lots of time and little to do. A combination that often lead to trouble. But it was not Brett who had not called the players together today

The room was bare except for a banner at the front that read WE WILL BE GREAT AGAIN. Greg Swann was against the banner and had often tried to remove it. The admission that Carlton was no longer great hurt him deeply. But even when he succeeded he always found it had been replaced in a matter of hours. The decision was not his to make.

Trumpets. The players shared a collective gasp. Silent though. Bryce began to tremble in the fingers and Marc seemed not to be blinking. Of all the players only Chris seemed even the slightest bit comfortable. They took a knee.

It had often been said that the old clubs were run as mafias and up until a few years ago even for carlton it had been true. But no longer was that the case. The club was now a monarchy. A machine driven by a single unquestionable ruler. The club did not strive for the pettiness of success or fame, at least not anymore. It dreamt of larger things.

The doors to the room opened, at the head of the precession were five men, all dressed in black suits with black ties and black sunglasses. Each man also had a pistol mounted on his right hip, black steel in a black holster. The Queens personal guard, known commonly as the Silent Men, were rumoured to be the world's finest mercenaries, hand picked from militias, mafias and private armies the world over. Paid so handsomely that no one could ever tempt to change their loyalties. Gelding was also spoken of, but never in earshot of the Silent.

The five looked around the room and then at each other before giving the signal. Behind them came two young african children, a boy and girl both aged 11. Dressed in fine white silk robes they threw $100 notes onto the ground behind them.

Then she entered.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:59 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
Jeanne sat high atop her black destrier, her signature Bob Bangs & Bowl hair bounced elegantly up and down with each stride her magnificent beast made. The Coming she named it, fashioned in her own image he also sported the Bob Bangs & Bowl. Like all women of stature she owned a horse for all occasions (and an elephant should she need to cross the alps. She was ambitious and always prepared), each one styled in the iconic Bob Bangs & Bowl. The prize of her stables was a snow white Icelandic, blue of eye and quick as the wind. Purity she named it. But today was not a day for Purity, today was a day for fear.

The Coming paced over the trail of $100 notes before coming to a stop in front of Chris and shitting on the floor. Chris immediately rushed to the side of the black beast and crouched over to make a step for Jeanne. Although a callus had formed over the years, he still winced in pain as she dug a stiletto heel into his shoulder while dismounting.

“Who was it?” she questioned softly in the direction of Swann. Before he could lift his head to answer she repeated. “Who was it?”

“Mclean Mrs Pratt” came Greg Swanns stammering reply. He was terrified of her. He had no idea why though. Jeanne was diminutive in size and quiet as a mouse when she spoke. But there was something in her eyes, when she spoke of her desires and plans an ambition burned behind them. “Number 14”

“Mclean! With me” she looked to the tallest of her guard, “Swann you too.” The guard moved swiftly towards Brock. Before Mclean could protest he found himself gagged, bagged and escorted from the room.

Jeanne headed to her office, the rest of her guard followed and behind them trailed Swann. The two african children ran ahead to lay a trail of green notes.

When she reached her office Jeanne closed her door to all but Swann. He never failed to notice how lavish the desk was. Rich red hundred year old oak with an ivory inlay depicting the battle of Thermopylae. Jeanne caught him staring at it.

“Do you know why I love my desk?” She asked

“It’s very beautiful” came Gregs reply

“It is, but that is not why I love it. It symbolises something so very important”

“It’s the battle of Thermopylae, it represents the ability to overcome all odds. To continue fighting against insurmountable odds and come out victorious where all others have failed” declared Greg. His ancient history was weak, as most subjects were to him, but this he knew for sure.

“Once again you make me question why I keep you around. I have no wish to be a Spartan. They were small, they were insignificant and worst of all the spartans lost. They were crushed and consigned to the pages of history. No, I love it because it depicts the simple truth that even the most belligerent foe will crumble when set on by an empire”. She stared at him unblinking as she walked around the table. “Take a seat”.

Greg obeyed. Not since his childhood when his mother dressed him up as a girl had he ever felt so emasculated. He still did not know why Jeanne wished to speak to him in private, he gave her Brock Mclean what more could she want of him?

“I am an ambitious woman, you know this” She was still yet to blink. Or if she had Greg was too petrified to notice. “I have plans, big plans, convoluted plans and they all begin here.” Still she remained unblinking.

“I..I kno” Greg could finish he was cut off by Jeanne, who had paid no mind to any sound that came out of his mouth.

“And the one thing I can’t have is you @#$%&! things up for me. So I ask you this, can you control your players?” She did not wait for his reply. “Because if you can’t I’ll be forced to dispose of you. I did not have my little Dicky pass just for you to go about @#$%&! up my plans.” The eyes. there was something in her eyes when she said that. Joy. The peculiar wording had not gone unnoticed by Greg either, but it was the flicker of joy that he found most unsettling. “Do you know how much I donate every year to the arts? Millions. It’s necessary for me to keep my friends in high society on side. They love all that wanky arts crap and they hate bogans. SO IF YOU CAN’T GET YOUR @#$%&! PLAYERS SPELLING CORRECTLY AND USING CORRECT PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR I’M GOING TO BE UP SHIT CREEK AND YOUR RIGOR MORTIS BODY GOING TO BE MY @#$%&! PADDLE!” A look of horror shot across Gregs face.

“I..I understan..” again he was cut off

“You stay here. I’m going to see Brock.” and with that, Jeanne left Greg Swann alone in the office.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:02 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
Chris knew he needed to say something. The team was standing there, waiting for him, waiting for true leadership. After Jeanne and Greg had left the room, Ratten had absentmindedly told the boys to think about what they had just seen before turning on his gameboy and tuning out to the world. Everyone needed Chris now.

“E...Everyone” he stammered. “Everyone please.” No one paid him any mind. Marc was furiously tweeting away about the events that had just transpired. Bryce was staring at Marc wistfully. In the back row Zack Tuhoy was making a joke, or what Chris assumed was a joke. Humor was not his forte.

“Please guys we need to train”

“@#$%&! off you greedy cauliflower” came a retort from the back row. That would not do. Had Chris seen the perpetrator he would have been sure to tell the commander in chief about it. No one talks to Chris that way without hearing from Mr Demetriou soon after.

The room hummed. Everyone pulled out their phones.

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
Lol you’ll never guess who just told Juddy to @#$%&! off. #itwasKade

“OI IT WASN’T ME YOU F@&$^@TRON” shouted Kade

The room hummed again

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
Don’t be a bitch. #ownupKade #imnotaf@&$^@tron

“Guys please, we have to get on with training... premierships. We can win the premiership” still no one listened.

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
who wants to hit the track? #gamefaceboys

Before Chris had even finished reading the tweet the room was empty. In 140 characters Marc was able to do what Chris never could. It was infuriating. He was the captain, he was paid the most, he had the hot wife who was voted hottest wag for the last three Brownlow medals. Yes he paid channel 10 to rig the voting but that didn’t change the fact that she won. Why didn’t he have the respect.

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
you coming out chrissyboy? #pleaseguyspleasepremierships #lol

Chris walked outside to see the boys were already running goal kicking drills and Bryce was off chasing a butterfly with a childlike fervor. There should be none of that. Not while i’m in charge. Football is our job, we play to win and nothing else. Liking your team mates just gets in the way of winning and makes it hard to leave when you want to change clubs to do more winning.

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
@zach2e to me i’m free. #iwannkickagoa

Marc Murphy @marcmurphy3
great pass @zach2d #GOAALLLLLLL #ronaldo

And with that Chris joined in the training determined to show the whole world that he was the best at the club. even though he wasn’t. In the corner of his eye Chris was sure he spotted what looked to be a journalist hiding in the bushes. But that would have to wait until after training... and his Ashley Martin appointment.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Last edited by jimmae on Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rule 3.2


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:05 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
Jeanne entered the warehouse on a trail of money. The air was cold. That was good. The treatment is always more effective with an uncomfortable subject.

“Mrs. Pratt, welcome.” the voice echoed off the steel walls. It was Dr Ben Baressi the club doctor. Although to be truthful he had his credentials removed by an ethics committee almost a decade ago. But that was nothing a few forgeries couldn’t solve. “We began the treatment before you arrived, I trust that isn’t a problem.” Behind him sat Brock Mclean.

“Not at all, are things going smoothly?” As she approached Dr Baressi Jeanne could begin to see the straps and head brace holding Brock in place. After a few more steps she would be able to see the restraints holding his eyes forcibly open. On a screen in front of him a screen cycled through words and images and although she couldn’t hear it, Jeanne was sure he would be listening to Mozart through his headphones.

YOUR
YOU’RE

“There have been no major issues, but I’m afraid to tell you that it might take longer than first anticipated. His mind is...”

TO
TOO
TWO

The Dr paused to collect himself. “It is unlike anything I have ever seen, at first he was almost completely unresponsive to the procedure. Were it not for my brilliance I do not think it would have taken at all.”

I BEFORE E

“Spare me your boasts Dr.” Jeanne replied. “But If the procedure works on even a mind like this one then it will surely work on everyone else.” A man came running towards her from behind. Jeanne could not see him and she didn’t have too. The smell of beer was instantly recognisable as Stephen Kernahan

“Mrs. Pratt” he bellowed. “Mrs. Pratt.” The stench grew with each stride it took towards Jeanne.

“How did you get in here, how do you even know this place exists?” Jeanne was furious. Of all the people in her life, no one brought her more dissatisfaction than Stephen Sticks Kernahan.

“I was just down at the Royal on the corner having a drink and I saw your car drive past. It’s urgent.” His words slurred together between deep breaths as he tried to regain some form of composure.

“If this news was so urgent why were you wetting your whistle?” Jeanne quizzed.

Stephen looked sheepishly towards his feet. That was all Jeanne needed to know the truth. Karaoke. Of all possible vices a man could have he had to love karaoke. The bumbling alcoholic idiot she could live with but the singer. Never had she heard such sounds emitted from a human mouth and had she not experienced it first hand she would not believe such things possible.

She could hear him humming the first verse to his favourite tune under his breath. It would not be long until he could not control himself and unleashed a bawdy chorus of Stand by your Man upon everyone in the room. It would do irreparable damage to Brocks treatment. She had to distract him. “Well go on, what is it?” The worst came out sterner than intended.

“We didn’t get it. They wouldn’t... I tried but...” Stephen nervously waited for Jeannes response.

“This is not pleasing to me. Begone... all of you.” And with that Jeanne watched as the Dr. and Sticks left the building. Brock remained restrained and in treatment. From outside she could hear the faint sounds of an off pitch rendition of Stand by your man.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:07 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
Chris finally returned home after a long and arduous session at Ashley & Martin. He loved his now long golden locks. Long and golden in comparison to his previous hair do at the very least. He did often question whether the treatment was worth it though. Growing hair on surrogate children from indonesia and then implanting it strand by strand had become an incredibly time intensive process. Were it not for Rebecca’s insistence and then subsequent arrangement of a sponsorship deal Chris was sure he would remain bald. But Rebecca was the best thing that ever happened to him, Becs he liked to call her. Not that she would have any of that. She always pushed him to do more, to be better, to earn more money for her to spend.

Chris walked through the hallway to the kitchen, passing Van Goughs, Picasos and Warhols as he went. He didn’t like any of them, He didn’t get art.

The fridge was full of Maggi food products. After she secured him a sponsorship with the company it was all he was legally allowed to eat. Chris didn’t mind. His love of food was miniscule compared to his love of money. After a long deliberation Chris settled on the Maggi Chicken Bouillon over the Maggi Tender Roast Chicken. A quick microwave and he was off to his office to see what contracts awaited him.

On his desk were the days contracts to be signed, all Becs doing. Chris didn’t know how she did it, but somehow she managed to find him new sponsorship deals daily. He leafed through the stack of papers. China Steel Australia Limited, Serola Biomechanics Inc., True Blood Season 5. Why any of these companies wanted to be affiliated with an Australian footballer, but just like with Visy chris was quick to sign all of them three times and initial them twice.

<EDITED>

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Last edited by jimmae on Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rule 2.4


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:14 pm 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:09 pm
Posts: 16877
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:35 pm 
Offline
Bruce Doull
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2005 2:32 pm
Posts: 33043
Location: Back in reality
Please do not attempt to repost the remainder of that narrative on this forum.

_________________
29 different attributes,
And only 7 that you like;
20 ways to see the world,
Or 20 ways to start a fight.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:41 pm 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:09 pm
Posts: 16877
jimmae wrote:
Please do not attempt to repost the remainder of that narrative on this forum.


Awww...spoil sport. That was like 50 Shades of Grey for Carlton supporters!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:16 pm 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:09 pm
Posts: 16877
jimmae wrote:
Please do not attempt to repost the remainder of that narrative on this forum.


No worries Jim. I'm just thankful I saved it in its entirety for posterity.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:35 pm 
Offline
Alex Jesaulenko

Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:03 am
Posts: 22924
Location: Bondi Beach
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :grin:

Great effort Rhino...A for effort. A for entertainment. A for the plot.
Keep 'em coming throughout the 'off season', coz it's 'off' with no Carlton in the finals...and after the finals ...crickets...and hope of course (Ref to Synners'posts)

_________________
Everyone looks good in Navy Blue


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:40 pm 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
They're not mine, unfortunately. Last updated in July I think. Saw them on a forum populated by about 6 people. Thought they deserved a better audience. If anything turns up, I'll pass them on.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:08 pm 
Offline
Bruce Doull
User avatar

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 11:27 am
Posts: 33188
Location: In the box.
Rhino you make me smile...

Even if theyre not yours... they read like yours...

_________________
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil....... the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:40 pm 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 11:53 am
Posts: 16655
Location: Left Cuckistan
Second funniest post this year. After Goltz's song.

_________________
The only way for some people to understand is for them to be on the receiving end

Left wing moralists
In self serving denial
They shit me no end


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:41 pm 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 2:09 pm
Posts: 16877
....the funniest part was removed!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:21 pm 
Offline
Robert Walls
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:06 pm
Posts: 3921
Location: Steven Seagal's Martial Arts Academy
PM please?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:26 pm 
Offline
Geoff Southby

Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:29 pm
Posts: 5913
Location: Melbourne
Brock with the evil Dr.Baressi.. :lol: :lol:

V.funny stuff.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:33 pm 
Offline
Mike Fitzpatrick

Joined: Wed Aug 12, 2009 2:30 pm
Posts: 4517
Location: Blisstonia.
Bluey44 wrote:
PM please?


Click the link....

_________________
"They're [REDACTED]'


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:13 am 
Offline
Stephen Kernahan
User avatar

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 11:53 am
Posts: 16655
Location: Left Cuckistan
Good link. Still, would be better if Goltz put it to music.

_________________
The only way for some people to understand is for them to be on the receiving end

Left wing moralists
In self serving denial
They shit me no end


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:23 am 
Offline
Stephen Silvagni
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:39 am
Posts: 29761
Location: riding shotgun on Agros Karma Train
The Rhino wrote:
They're not mine, unfortunately. Last updated in July I think. Saw them on a forum populated by about 6 people. Thought they deserved a better audience. If anything turns up, I'll pass them on.

not sure if we are a better audience :wink:

_________________
Between our dreams and actions lies this world


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:27 am 
Offline
Craig Bradley
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:20 pm
Posts: 6923
Solely in quantifiable terms, I'm sure.

_________________
BLUES 2010: PAV AND JUDD = FLAGS. DOING IT FOR THE LOVE OF DICK PRATT.

HAVE YOU SIGNED UP FOR TALKINGCARLTON SUPERCOACH 2009 YET?


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC + 10 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 90 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group