Police investigate as missing persons appear in Richmond


ASIO officials and Victoria Police have set-up a joint taskforce to deal with the sudden influx of previously assumed missing-persons in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond.

The Daily Maggot understands that a crowd, estimated to be in the tens-of-thousands and dressed predominantly in yellow and black paraphernalia and sporting self-aware Ivan Maric-mullets, spontaneously arrived at the corner of Punt Rd and Swan St at approximately 7:15pm on Saturday evening. Police believe that the vast majority of the group were last sighted publically over a decade ago in September 2001.

“What do you mean where have I been? I’ve been onboard the whole way” one bourbon-soaked man shouted as he jumped on a passing bandwagon.

“Yeah sure, I haven’t attended a single game since our last finals appearance. But I was there in the tough times, you know… through the entire 1980 season.”

The group was last heard to be overstating the development of Dylan Grimes, whilst outlandishly claiming Alex Rance was effective by foot.

David Cloke joins GWS recruiting staff

Greater Western Sydney has appointed David Cloke as a recruiter for the fledgling club.

The Giants are known to be pursuing the services of David’s son, out-of-contract Collingwood power forward Travis Cloke, but deny the signing is any way related.

“The suggestion that this is appointment is in any way linked to Travis Cloke is laughable” Giants football manager Gubby Allen said.

“David will have a far-reaching role. He will head up the recruitment division with the sole mandate of recruiting his son Travis… oh sh!t I’m bad at this… where’s Tom Scully when you need someone to get creative with the truth?”

Contact negotiations are believed to have been tense. The Daily Maggot understands David baulked at GWS’s initial $500,000 per annum offer, before successfully negotiating it down to $250,000 per annum.