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PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:15 pm 
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Bruce Doull
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Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:41 pm
Posts: 63509
I was handed a confidential board memo, which outlined the REAL reasons Denis had to be sacked.

1 ) Whenever he gets into a verbal down the local, he often attempts to end it with "Make like a tree, and get out of here", and when someone tries to correct him, he claims that he's merely ripping off Biff Tannen. No-one believes him.

2 ) He SMS voted for Casey Donovan to win Idol several thousand times.

3 ) He rates the Sega Dreamcast as the greatest gaming console ever made.

4 ) He gets a great laugh out of people taking the piss out of his constant cliches, such as "dancing with your sister", "piss down my back and tell me it's raining", etc. etc. He also claims to be humoured by the originality of these jibes.

5 ) Felt Yasmin's Getting Married didn't get a fair go.

6 ) Favourite Neighbours character of all time was Stingray. STINGRAY!

7 ) Didn't shed a solitary tear when Bouncer died.

8 ) Was quoted as referring to the death of Maggie Doyle on Blue Heelers to be "a bit anti-climatic"

9 ) Thought that The Rebel Billionaire was far superior to The Apprentice

10 ) Still lies awake at night wondering why Sally from Bardot never got a solo album.

11 ) Constantly has his tag hanging out the back of shirt. Wears it like a badge of honour.

12 ) Discourages anyone referring to Setanta o'hAilpin as "Carlos", still shattered that Rob Thomas never got more credit than Carlos Santana for "Smooth".

13 ) Makes a point of double dipping in the sauce.

14 ) Whenever he's at a party, and someone asks if he's had the fondue, replies "WILL do!". Reportedly disenfranchised at the constant lack of reaction.

15 ) Constantly rings Chris Bond, Graeme Bond, Troy Bond, and Shane Bond, just to refer to them as "Chesty" when they pick up the phone. Should he get a negative reaction, he instantly replies "Oh whatever, 007"...

16 ) Holds up the drive thru at McDonalds, whenever the order taker enquiries as to what sauce he wants with his nuggets, as to hassle her with how a sauce can be both sweet and sour.

17 ) Favourite Simpsons episode is Bart Gets An F. citing that it never gets old.

18 ) Cites Steven Bradbury as Australia's greatest sporting hero.

19 ) Has a fridge fully stocked with Light Ice, Geelong Bitter and VB.

20) Celebrates Halloween each year, by buying a fake pumpkin from Woolworths, and giving anyone who trick or treats him a handful of Chicken In A Biscuit.

21 ) Names his horses crap names like "Mr. Neighs-a-lot", "Giddy Up" or even just simply "Horse."

22 ) Is disapointed that none of them talk like Mr. Ed.

23 ) Believes that one day they will.

24 ) Bought Ben Cousins, the 1994 hit film Speed, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, for his birthday. Disapointed when Ben failed to see the irony or hilarity within such a joke.

25 ) Would hypothetically not get himself involved should Bryce Gibbs and Paul Bower decide to plant a bra-bomb in the locker rooms of the Bullants two's.

26 ) Wonders why John Hughes would name a film The Breakfast Club, yet no-one eats breakfast at all during the film.

27 ) Imagines what the respective characters would eat for breakfast, if they did.

28 ) Only didn't trade Brendan Fevola at the end of season 02, due to his resemblence at the time to Sideshow Bob.

29 ) Now only keeps him due to his current resemblence to Vince Colosimo.

30 ) Hopes there'll be a sequel to the Wog Boy

31 ) Wonders why the jedi in Star Wars films carried around light tube swords, when really a gun would be a lot better and cooler.

32 ) Refuses to play cricket unless they're using a tennis ball only.

33 ) Undecided to the potential merit adding duc-tape to said tennis ball.

34 ) Lists Rocky 5 as his favourite Rocky film.

35 ) Goes to the Melbourne Show, only buys the Bertie Beatle bag and goes home afterwards.

36 ) Drinks Diet Coke "for the taste"

37 ) Doesn't get why people snigger at him when he goes to the milk bar and purchases a Gay Time ice cream.

38 ) Constantly hums the circus theme for no apparent reason.

39 ) Is currently awaiting the day that the socks and sandals combination returns to fashion

40 ) Is the half brother of ex-Family Feud host, Rob Brough

41 ) Refuses to ever watch a broadcast of the Logie Awards again, after Vulcan was dudded out of the gold logie 3 years running during the mid 90's.

42 ) Feels Tony Elshaug would make a great mother one day.

43 ) Spends half of his time at training giving Barry Mitchell the "frowning of a life time"

44 ) Refuses to play Craig Flint until his knowledge of the Battle Of Hastings improves dramatically.

45 ) Watches every Road Runner cartoon convinced that this will be the one that Wile E Coyote gets his hands on him.

46 ) Constantly makes inappropriate Speedy Gonzales impersonations whenever he orders food from Taco Bill.

47 ) Spoils the ending to the latest Harry Potter novel in every conversation he has.

48 ) Felt that the Lord Of The Rings films didn't go long enough.

49 ) Has spent the last 5 seasons during match day writing the script for another Police Academy sequel.

50 ) Is treasurer and secretary of the Balwyn sect of the Village People Fan Club.

51 ) Doesn't get the message within Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol, believes it may have something to do with war.

52 ) Lists Surfers Paradise as his most exotic holiday destination.

53 ) Wonders if South Africa are that good at sport, how good North, West and East Africa would be.

54 ) Spends a large portion of his daily routine who would win random fights between Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Channel 7 newsreader, Peter Mitchell.

55 ) When no comprehensive decision can be reached, resorts to using action figures to battle it out.

56 ) Has still banned his 2 adult-aged children from drinking red cordial, fearing they'll "go hyper"

57 ) Lists his best friend as being Michelangelo, the ninja turtle, as "he's a party dude."

58) Was the only man in Australia, shocked that Darren Hayes, was "y'know, like that".

59 ) Upon hearing this news, spent 4 hours scouring the internet to discover the logistics of a homosexual relationship.

60 ) Hasn't spoken to Wayne Schwass since.

61 ) Wonders why there are no ex-West Indian cricketers in Hi-5

62 ) Reckons that Oasis are nothing more than a 2nd rate rip-off of the Rolling Stones.

63 ) Wonders why those responsible for the KFC ads during the cricket aren't a permanent fixture at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

64 ) Selects his footy tips based on who would win a fight between each of the 2 teams' mascots.

65 ) The above reason is why he claims we never win. Bluey McKenna would never beat a tiger or a lion or a military aircraft in a fight.

66 ) Reckons that once we change our name to the Carlton Half-Cougar, Half Leopard, Half Man Eating Spiders, we'd be a chance of winning some games.

67 ) Whenever a Grease sing-along happens at parties he goes to, he does the female vocals too. Seems far too eager to find out whether or not he has a car in the process.

68 ) Is often disappointed when Marc Murphy fails to respond to his quarter time rev-up's, egging him on that his brother, Justin could have played better.

69 ) Whenever someone sniggers at the number 69, Denis laughs along, thinking that "yeah, Dipper does look silly in those Dimmeys' ads."

70 ) Denis constantly stares at his own reflection in the mirror, making sudden movements, in the hope he can catch his own reflection out.

71 ) Thought Forrest Gump would have been a better film if he was a little smarter.

72 ) By the same token, felt the Where's Wally series would have been much more rewarding had Wally been easier to find, instead of being in such a massive crowd all the time.

73 ) Denis lies awake at night, riddled with guilt that there might have been a chance that the Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out" may have been recorded about him.

74 ) Reckons it's not long now before a wacky alien from another planet turns up in his home, leading to wacky situations about the alien's inability to comprehend earth customs, just like on TV with shows like Alf, Mork & Mindy, Home & Away and Big Brother.

75 ) Wonders what his surname will get changed to when he gets married.

76 ) Claims that whatever the conversation topic is at the time to be his middle name.

77 ) Refuses to play Josh Kennedy, as he figures the rest of his family seem to end up assasinated. As such, has veto'ed constant requests for the end of season trip to be held in Dallas, as well as the form of travel being light aircraft.

78 ) Pesters Kade Simpson constantly with "Hey Kade, where's Marge? D'oh!". Only gave Kade his first game when he finally caved into his requests to "Do the Bart-Man"

79 ) Constantly stops training to await the results of his "Do you like me? Yes? No? Maybe?" notes sent to Barb via Libba.

80 ) Has had Mick Martyn repeat his Grand Final Footy Show performance as Shrek, at all his kids' birthday parties, and even some neighbouring kid's birthday parties (without prior notification) since then.

81 ) Often wonders whether a deflated Hungry Jacks' balloon would make an appropriate form of contraception.

82 ) Denis continues to use "Time to get a new watch!" as his reply to whenever someone asks him for the time.

83 ) Denis knows all the unfunny lines of the 12th Man cd's off by heart, and often bursts out with "Yes! Gawwn! Got him! Piss off, you're out!" during inappropriate times such as church, intimate times with his wife, funerals and Glen Manton's testimonial dinner.

84 ) Denis constantly makes jokes about plumbers bashing him up, and young school girls being his thing to Sam Newman, and praises himself quietly for his originality.

85 ) Denis cites Billy Madison as the most influential, ground breaking comedy of all time.

86 ) He doesn't understand the backlash that is involved with walking into a pub and ordering a shandy.

87 ) Denis is amazed when his stock-standard half-time address, involving plagiarizing word for word, Ron Barassi's half time speech from the 1970 Grand Final doesn't seem to work.

88 ) Denis figures that David Boon is revered as a pop-culture icon, due to him being 4 foot tall.

89 ) Denis constantly wrote letters to the ABC during the mid 90's complaining about the name of the show, "The Late Show", citing his 11pm bedtime, made the show hardly late at all for him.

90 ) Still constantly uses dated pop-culture references such as "that's what I'm talkin 'bout!", "talk to the hand", "I pity the fool", and performing the Bum Dance.

91 ) Is pleased at the return of Ian "Dicko" Dickson to Australian Idol, so he can make jokes about "'Dicko' being a Dick"

92 ) When asked to fill the biscuit tin at work, constantly fills it with home brand crackers, yet always steals the cream ones whenever someone else fills it.

93 ) Refused to attend training for 3 weeks straight, reportedly devastated over Ricki-Lee leaving the Young Divas.

94 ) We all know he's just waiting to be fired, so he can publicly call Cain Ackland, "Ackland" and wait for the general Australian public to piss themselves at the originality displayed in the wit of Pago.

95 ) Still prank phone calls Nathan Brown, calling him "Dr. Pink" before hanging up in a fit of giggles.

96 ) Wonders what ever happened to that Maurie Fields bloke, and whether or not he'll return to Hey Hey It's Saturday, he needs to steal more of his jokes.

97 ) Reckons that Strauchanie is really, really stupid. There's no such player on Collingwood's list, anymore, duh.

98 ) Wonders why Scott Cummings would have the nickname Strauchanie anyway...

99 ) Doesn't get why the card game "Uno"; isn't called "One", seeing as we aren't Italy and all.

100 ) Thought the Glass House was cutting edge political humour at it's finest.

101 ) Wonders why there aren't more black people in senior coaching roles in the AFL, like Terry Wallace.

102 ) Still hangs **** on Kouta for "OMG being gayyy with Ang! OMG!"

103 ) Wonders why Australia never seems to do well in Eurovision.

104 ) Attended several of Australia's Asian Cup games, walked up to large groups of people, and let fly with "Harry Kewell? Harry Cool more like it!"before being chased out of the bar.

105 ) Finds "Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi" to be the greatest sporting chant in the world.

106 ) Has already put next year's coaching salary onto a bet for Hotdogs to win the Oscar for Best Actor in 2008.

107 ) Owns several Andrew Startin, Austen Tayshus and Greg Champion CD's.

108 ) He's still trying to work out who killed Vince McMahon

109 ) Reckons that just between you and me, that WWE stuff might be fake.

110 ) But not the Blair Witch Project, definitely not the Blair Witch Project. That **** was scary.

111 ) Was involved in several pyramid schemes in the mid 90's. Now hoping to reclaim what he lost with the help of some good Samaritans from Nigeria and a couple of briefcases.

112 ) Was pivotal in funding the migration of the pie-floater outside of South Australia.

113 ) Was $2 short for his groceries at Coles the other day, his answer to solve that was to offer to drop Blackwell.

114 ) Wonders why David Teague takes such a keen interest in the Carlton Football Club, for a Melbourne Storm player.

115 ) Reckons that the answer to the drought is to just use bottled water instead for everything....or drop Blackwell.

116 ) Has read The Secret back to front, twice. Reckons it may have something to do with Graham Kennedy being secretly gay.

117 ) He's probably read up until now wondering why on earth he should resign, when he's doing such a top notch job at the moment...

_________________
And so while others miserably pledge themselves to the pursuit of ambition and brief power, I will be stretched out in the shade, singing.


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